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2003-09-28 The mood to create. I start drawing schematics of relations that get garbled from my head to the page. Subtle relations that only make sense in one's context...leading to a unique solution. How light and infrasound causes one step to be thrown off for the rest of the day. Studying color wheels and physics equations. Superstitions and rituals starting to set in again. I want to have a schedule where I rotate around the city sitting on different park benches. I want to feel myself move in every which way I want to from the living room to the bathroom to all over everywhere. So contained from the 8 to 6, sometimes the 8 to 10. I am about to quit all those commitments that sneak in on a weekly basis, based on based sympathy of souls. I don't know how I get myself in these fixes. With lonely old women and Jehovah's witnesses and leading book discussion groups. Volunteer this and that. I am such a sucker but so interested at first until challenge ceases. It's so hateful of me. I am tired ( s o t i r e d) of all the sex, death, style on constant repeat; angularly from everywhere. And of me being tired, whine. So it has been that I have been throwing out and giving away everything that feels too heavy to look at. Anything too attached. If I can't throw it away at the moment, I keep it, and throw it away next weekend when the mood strikes again. I make sure I get rid of all the waste paper that goes in and comes out here. I feel so manipulated by my own moods. I do feel better when I see women pushing their carts slowly in the grocery store mouthing "Strawberry Wine" in secret unison with other worn looking women. I want to introduce them to each other, to push in a small formation. I feel better flipping through the dictionary or playing rainy day checkers with Russ. Thinking of those oddly placed brick city parks. Of a soon anniversary in Quebec City. Of how Nina Simone has been dragging and dropping my heart but putting it back gently in its cage when she's done. Of the lots of love that I can sense when I haven't shut myself off completely. |