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2002-12-09 Cashed out for now. Trying to learn something without forcing, without interrupting flow, without viewing normal day disconbobulations from being disruptions. Writing somehow bends my thought back on itself in a way I'm uncomfortable with for now, but I've been feeling strangely anyways. A odd yearning for the Smiths, the Smiths making more sense ever since the after-college. Still trying to gain my footing. Something human was soiled in me some time ago, at the same time that numbers were becoming more omnipotent in my life. Something I'm relearning since this year of my life is all of community service, sometimes to those who haggle, demand, and sometimes beg. It's hard. I never quite know what kind of situation I'm going to be in tomorrow. So much death and dying with so much fear attached to it. Anxious. Over small stuff, mostly because slowed old time allows it. Hand wringers. Message leavers. Absent eyes and talkety talks. Set the brakes and still not stopped. Just squealing. But something. |